Why We Sometimes Need Permission at Midlife to Renew our Faith.
“And the day came, when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” - Anais Nin.
Nine years ago today, on a Sunday afternoon, I met my husband Tim at a Starbucks in an outdoor mall not far from my house. I remember the day vividly because I was rushing from a Sunday school Christmas performance by my then 10 and 7-year-old sons, that had run late. I texted him that I would be late, and he seemed completely nonplussed. He had also agreed to drive 45 minutes from his house to meet me, so he was already doing well and I had not even met him.
Tim and I met just a few months after my divorce was officially legal, but several years after I had separated from my husband. What he didn’t know is that a month or so before I met him, I had decided to hit the “pause” button on dating. After a string of fun but fairly shallow and somewhat disappointing dating adventures, I was uncertain whether I had the energy to keep moving forward, while also juggling a career and raising two young sons.
For those of you who have dated in recent years, it’s probably the ultimate act of vulnerability. Even though I had reached an ability to remain somewhat detached, that wasn’t my true nature. At heart, I was an “all in” kind of person. When I met people, for better or for worse, I usually made an assessment and followed my instincts. The challenge was, the last two prospects I had dated prior to Tim had been disappointing and caused me to question my judgment and my optimism. It turned out, I wasn’t as tough as I thought when it came to bouncing back from disappointment.
Permission is the word I’ve since adopted to describe the first step in Claiming our Second Chance. It’s the opportunity we give ourselves, to believe in higher possibilities for our life. It’s actually a word my coaching clients who come to me for insight, guidance, and advice have used to describe what the catalyzing effect working with me has on their life. They tell me that I gave them permission to see things differently, to believe in more expansive possibilities for their life.
The act of giving ourselves permission is a vulnerable moment because we are opening ourselves up to the possibility of rejection. It requires us to move beyond our human tendency to protect ourselves, to remain guarded and closed to the possibilities for our life. It requires us to lean into believing in something larger than ourselves.
When I met Tim I had only been dating for about 6 months. But I had spent a significant period of time, 14 months to be exact, in working to intentionally hit the “reset” button on many of my perceptions involving the opposite sex. I guess you could call this a time of deep introspection and getting clarity on what was important. It was a time of recalibrating how faith operated in my life and acknowledging my human limitations. In other words, I asked the Universe to withhold all prospects and only to show me the next right person. So I waited probably 6 weeks and that’s when I received the invitation from Tim to meet at Starbucks.
Looking back I can see that something else significant had shifted in me prior to that first date. When Tim had the courage to ask at the end of the date, “how did that go for you?”, I was able to answer from a very grounded place, “it went well”. Over the past seven months of dating, I had learned enough to realize that my true source of power and security was anchored from within. I wasn’t looking for any outside affirmation. As a result, in addition to sharing my response very plainly and matter of factly, I was also able to express admiration, and yes some surprise, at his courage in asking the question. I let him know I would be open to a second date.