Saying Goodbye to the Hard Road
When I was growing up my mom wanted a “go along get along” girl. I often acted the part even though at my core that’s not who I was. I was fiery and passionate and a keen and curious observer with quick insights.
So I both resisted and gravitated toward her expectations because I was extremely sensitive. I picked up on others emotional frequencies the way a transistor radio picks up stations.
When I resisted it was not always well received in my conflict avoidant family.
So my whole life has been a “struggle” to integrate these two different parts of myself. The confident and assertive part that was unafraid of rocking the boat in search of the truth and the self doubting part that was afraid of losing people if I didn’t accommodate or give up my needs to meet theirs.
My default mode of working out this tension became a painful combination of achieving my way to worthiness or attracting struggle into my life through my relationships.
When I was assertive I doubted if I was “too much” and when I was accommodating I was doubting whether I was selling myself short or over giving to others at my own expense.
I have been through periods of energetic exhaustion in my life, because I often felt like I was constantly pushing a bolder uphill by resisting these parts of myself. Whether it was trying to change an organization or trying to change a partner, I needed an outlet for all the internal tension I often felt inside as a result of these un-integrated energies. As a result my energies were often misdirected.
We all have similar stories or patterns from our childhood that are imprinted on us from a young age. They shape and mold us and create these patterns and these parts of ourselves that we reject.
Depending on our life path we may make peace and integrate the different parts of ourselves, but for most of us they remain a mysterious unidentified “force” that is just beyond our ability to see or understand its origin.
And these opposing parts of ourselves show up in our chart as challenging aspects known as squares and oppositions. Through reconciling these opposing energies we have the opportunity to step into a more powerful and authentic version of ourselves.
The invitation for the New Moon is about releasing old traumas and patterns from the past. It was the opportunity to finally let go of my old story of “not enough” and needing to take the hard road, to “prove” myself by over exerting and making something “important” by making it difficult.
Yesterday when I found myself preparing for a “first” time presentation and the usual flood of self -doubting voices about “enough-ness” crept into my head, instead of resisting them, I was able to observe the feeling and just be curious about it.
When we judge ourselves and make ourselves wrong instead of exercising compassion it has a way of perpetuating our resistance. Within a few hours the feeling had dissipated and it was replaced with excitement. Trust me when I say this is a pattern I had been working on for a very long time---My Sun (identity) square my moon (my emotions or security)
Seeking clarity on how to heal some of my elusive patterns of stuck energy was the reason I became so powerfully attracted to astrology. Our chart is essentially an imprint of our higher selves and consciousness, and if we pay attention to the aspects we can navigate our way “home” to our higher selves.
Where do you experience self -judgment in your life? Is there a part of you that you reject and you’re wanting to heal and integrate while understanding where the pattern arises from? The New Moon in Scorpio along with Scorpio Retrograde is a perfect opportunity to do so.