If the Truth Will Set Us Free Why Do We Spend So Much Time Avoiding It?
“Transformation begins with the radical acceptance of what is.” – Danielle Laporte
I think it’s an understatement to say that honesty is a highly undervalued commodity in short supplies these days, and that avoidance is practically a religion. The primary way we “avoid” is through constant business, whether its family driven, work driven or in the last decade, technology driven. Thanks to the advent of on demand streaming television and smart phones we are able to distract ourselves 24-7. Add onto that a culture that exalts busyness and productivity, especially if “mom” is one of your titles, and it’s no wonder that anxiety and depression are so prevalent.
As a result, many women find themselves at mid-life feeling overwhelmed, ineffective and with a feeling of being just plain lost and untethered to the things that really matter to us. Maybe you’re married to or partnered with someone you no longer feel connected to, or maybe even actively dislike. Or the career track that once seemed so exciting now feels less than fulfilling. Maybe your kids are struggling, or you are struggling to let them struggle because it calls into question your “enoughness” as a parent.
There’s a reason the so called “mid-life” crisis gets written about and forms the backdrops of so many books and movies because it is often a time of significant identity transition.
My mid-life crisis was less a crisis than inevitability. And it came in waves rather than one lump sum. The first wave changed the trajectory of my career, and the second my marriage. One of the reasons it came less as a surprise was because several years earlier I had already started the process of excavating my truth which involved admitting that the career I had chosen, and had gone to school for 7 years to pursue, no longer felt fulfilling a decade later. To accept his I had to accept that I was no longer the same person I had been fresh out of law school, striving and focused on achieving my way to worthiness.
While my job looked incredibly sexy on paper, and still today elicits admiring nods at cocktail parties, it didn’t speak strongly enough to my intuitive creative side. What had started as my passion for empowering communities to fight injustice had largely been replaced with a focus on technical and legal analysis.
After three long and winding years of soul searching that included working with a career coach, getting Myers Briggs certified and even serving as a career coach to others, I landed what would turn out to be my most fulfilling and creative job. As things came into alignment in one part of my life, it forced me to take a look at the part of my life where things were out of alignment, where I was no longer living my truth.
True power, transformational power, starts with knowing the truth about yourself and being willing to own it. And once you start down this path, its pretty contagious.
I came to realize that as long as I continued to live in denial about my marriage, the sense of freedom and fulfillment I longed for in all aspects of my life would be elusive. My avoidance strategy of staying busy with my job and kids had a limited shelf life. I felt frazzled and lonely most of the time at home after the kids had gone to bed. I felt in a fog most of the time I wasn’t working because I was actively disconnected from my self and trying to stay numb and avoid the pain of the reality that was my failing marriage. So slowly I began the process once again of aligning myself with my truth and eventually pivoting from fear to freedom. Once I had a taste of what was possible, I knew that I couldn’t accept the status quo.
For women mid-life transitions, and for that matter any kind of life transitions, big or small, can be extra challenging to navigate, because we are taught to care for others, before we care for ourselves.
The idea of focusing on ourselves, especially if we are mothers, is still not as acceptable as it should be in 2018 and as a practical matter can be daunting. Most of the time my thoughts were consumed (and truthfully today- 8 years later can still be consumed) with how are my kids doing? How will we get by financially? But the willingness to take a hard look at those realities would eventually lead me to the clarity I needed. Pain, it turns out, serves a purpose.
Knowing your truth sounds really heavy, but it starts with simply paying attention to what matters, and to how you’re feeling. The hard part is acting on it and staying grounded in it.
Knowing our truth leads to amazing things happening. It starts with a willingness to go inward and be curious about ourselves. And to be who we want to be in the outside world, our insides must match our outsides.
I learned during the nearly 5 years it took me to leave my marriage that the truth is there. It whispers to us. But if we are too busy we wont hear it.
Where in your life are you avoiding the truth? And what would it look like for you to pivot from fear to freedom? If you’re interested in reclaiming your truth and your power, and not sure how to get there, I can help. Together we can wok to chart your soul’s journey, identify unexpressed strengths and clear obstacles in your path. Sign up for a free discovery call here.